Ruminations on Mexico
Street lines are a luxury; stop signs are merely a suggestion.
My shuttle driver doesn’t give a fuck. No turn signals, riding on the shoulder, running red lights. Bawse.
Cars come in 4 colors. Black, white, silver and Electric Royal Blue.
The highway in Playa del Carmen is built like a 4 year olds hot wheels track. For elevation, place book under center.
When someone says 'shit' on TV, the subtitles say “diablos” or devils. Even on HBO.
Hot moms are quite in demand, but overweight Italian grandmothers are more abundant.
Why would anyone smoke regularly, the one cigar I had has ruined my second day on the resort.
There is a fine line between sleeping at the bar and passing out. I truly believe I did the former. I’m certainly no stranger to the latter.
"Hector is hangover for life"- one guide referring to our other tour guide after going to the Coco Bongo club.
Bigger cups don’t mean better. A warm mai tai doesn’t excuse getting up for another fresh one.
Why would you go to a bar on land when you can go to in the water?
My broken Spanish goes a long long way. That said my sister’s friend Jake could not understand the proper way to say ciao bella. Here is the exchange he had with the hostess at the steakhouse.
“Hey, chabella.”-Jake says with a douchey nod.
“Que?”-Chica.
“Chabella”-Jake says with a slight dejectedness
“No comprende…”-Chica.
“Dude, its two words, ‘chow-bell-a’”-Airreck (me)
“Cha…. Bella”-Jake.
“Ooooohhhh”-Chica, as she turns away.
Toasts are hard. I hope I don’t fuck up this speech thing, is all I could think before giving my Man of Honor toast.
Had a great pool bar chat with my dad about lots of nonsense. It all started by talking about Malcolm Gladwell ended somewhere around generational/situational poverty. Somewhere we talked about improv helping me get over being shy.
Time is relative. So is spelling. Bawse.
When instructing people on how to dance Mexican, use less words, more actions.
Breakfast is the king of meals. You basically can’t fuck it up. Only has upside.
The merits of Street Fighter versus Mortal Kombat comes down to if you like interesting characters (SF) or easter egg finishing moves (MK). I think younger Airreck loved Street Fighter, but this Airreck would enjoy Mortal Kombat more if I played more video games. Oh, someone was wearing a Mortal Kombat t-shirt. #Connection
Its harder to avoid drinking than to just drink. It probably would have simplified my speech. #Hindsight2020
Dan and Alex do Troy and Abed’s handshake. I taught them the secret handshake, watching two generations connect while doing this makes me very happy.
I think the fly in my bathroom just killed itself but flying too close to the light bulb. #IcarusProblems.
Jack has a nickname for everyone. He remembers them all and uses them smoothly. Well played sir, well played.
Gary’s business card should just say “business handler”. Cause he handles business.
Jacob, MC. Or midget of ceremonies. Point Eric.
Apparently my speech was good. I was shaking for a half an hour before and after giving it.My mom had to reassure me.
My sister ROCKED the blue and white dress. Looking good sis.
I’m sweating profusely.
Watching my dad dancing is an amazing thing.
Nice to see that others realize how funny my mama can be. You just have to get by her being quiet. I get my goofiness from my pops, the sharper snark from her.
Jaguars must be the official name of Latin American dance clubs (see: Mexico, Belize).
Even drunk, “Tonight’s Going to be a Good Night” by the Black Eyed Peas is terrible.
The NFL’s Red Zone channel in Mexico is Ritual: Zona De Touchdown. The announcers are burdened with the same tact US announcers are. During KCs failed online kick, the Mexican announcer giggled for like 10 seconds. It was amazing.
Something about the way the marriage ceremony guy said Yvonne was soothing. He only said it twice though, for my sisters middle name and my mother’s first.
Million-dollar idea, cocaine shakers and freshly ground crack rock. Some of the meals in the buffet could use a sprinkle.
When the music was cut off during the ceremony, everyone proceeded to yell “Uno mas uno mas.”
Houston’s Bush international airport is now ranked below JFK for worst in my eyes. Stupid airport.
Goodnight moon, goodnight liver.
Stupid Southdale
So I’m a big Metro Transit fan. Been riding it for going on five years now. I just sit back, put my ear buds in and read a book. As of last year I’ve taken it as an opportunity to do some school work, be it for a later date or the class coming up in an hour or so. But long intro short, I’m very happy with their service for the most part.
Southdale Mall. Hiss. I don’t much like you. Once upon a time you were illustrious. America’s first indoor mall. Spoiled Edinian’s could be spoiled year round, yay. Cut to 2011. Half the mall is vacant. The only truly profitable draws are Pf Chang’s, Cheesecake Factory, Apple and a movie theater. The food court is a waste land of fallen wrappers from the only Subway that doesn’t offer 5-dollar foot longs. Not even a Ryan Gosling look-a-like eating at Sbarro's could have saved that shop. The Mervin's had been vacant since before I signed my death sentence some five years ago.
What is the relation between these two stories? Well recently, Herberger's (Awe!, sparkle sparkle) moved in to the old Mervin's spot. At the same time, the Southdale bus stop moved from right outside the old Mervin's doors to underneath a parking ramp, about a block away. The old stop was close to the mall and was heated and large. The new stop is a extra walk, half the size and unheated.
My amateur deduction is that Herberger's (cue greek choir) only agreed to move in, if they moved the bus stop, i.e. got the poor people away. Are only poor people the ones who ride the bus? Of course not, but despite an average ridership in out fair town, the wider-metro buses aren’t as efficient and this is Edina, where the snobbery flows like the sweet, sweet yolk of an American bald eagle.
Its sad. Annoying. Especially since I doubt this (along with plans to improve the food court and the restrooms, yes the restrooms) will bring life back to the good old days. Maybe they should push the conservative Edina legislation to loosen up on things that matter. Like allowing happy hours on liquor, to drum up some business. But I digress. I just thought I’d share. I don’t have a real solution. I just hope I’m not busing to that silly town anymore, very soon.
Drink The Kool-Aid
Happy Movember!
Realer than Real Instructions
captions by Airreck
Respect
A funeral procession just rolled by Spyhouse’s window. When we were driving to my grandma’s funeral years ago, these three little boys stopped their bikes and took off their hats as we passed them. It was one of the sweetest, more respectful things I’ve encountered. I’ll never forget those little kids. I even took off my hat from inside the coffeeshop.
"You know you’re my favorite grandkids?"-Grandpa
"Larry, they are your only grandkids"-Grandma
vaudeville timing by Grandma and Grandpa Boylton