March Maddening 

Fucking NCAA tournament.

Why do you build me up, buttercup, baby, just to let me down? Every year I put tireless hours into picking the situations that will result in the best picks. Princeton, your school is a sham. If you guys are so fucking smart how come your offence doesn’t work anymore. Texas has some of the dumbest people alive on their team (or the oldest, Mouton’s got 4 years until Social Security kicks in) but yet your preference of the backdoor has not got you a lay (up) in years.

Then there’s all these fucking Alabama schools. Any school with a sign outside the arena that says “No Shoes, No Shirt, No Problem” doesn’t deserve to reach the Sweet Sixteen. And would someone fucking beat Duke. Deng it, Redick is a fucking tool shed that simply needs a punch in the gut. That’s all. This is why I think they win. 20 some years ago, the President of Duke decided to conjure up some spirits for a new mascot (the one they had then wasn’t very politically correct). Much to his surprise he not only received a Blue Devil (better than Dixiecrats Devil they had) but also the demon vampire that is Mike Krzyzewski. That’s right he’s pure evil. I dare you to look in his eyes, I dare you. Bobby Hurley looked him in the eyes once, see where his career went.

Then there is the selection of the teams. Illinois gets a 5 seed and Maryland gets a 4. Maryland wasn’t even going to make the tourney 3 weeks ago. And fuck the 65 teams, does anyone even watch the play in game. We don’t need a game played on Tuesday to confuse us as to the start of the actual tourney. They should call it the NCAA rape game, slip the winners some Spanish Fly and whisper to them the number 1 seed will be gentle on them.

Then there is the presentation on CBS. Bravo. The idea to do a ten second delay was a brilliant one. Every two minutes the TV scrambles up and it looks like I’m trying to watch the Playboy channel, except there’s no breasts and all balls. That doesn’t get me excited. I hope that CBS’s contract is up soon so the NCAA tourney can go where it belongs, ABC. It belongs there for two reasons.

1. If ABC owns it, there will be no watching of bullshit blowouts like Duke-Alabama St. while Alabama- Southern Illinois goes down to the wire, because they can put games on ABC, ESPN, and ESPN 2.

2. Dick Vitale. There is nothing sadder than watching Dickie V miss out on all the excitement.

I would follow Dickie V anywhere. Burger King: “Hey, give me a number 3, hold the tears baby. Onions make me cry. And I want it like me post players, super sized baby!” Weddings: “Ohhhh, what a luck bride baby. This guy has got more moves in bed then Jameer Nelson. When he shoots, he always hits the spot baby!” Or even funerals: Oh, when these guys put him in the basket, it silenced the crowd baby. I call it a librarian slam. Maybe if he had a better defense, he’d be pushing up the roof after a win instead of pushing up daisies baby.” Since my pool is essentially done, all that is left for my pride is Oklahoma St. (my only team left) pulling out the win. That’s Simons last prediction.