An Open Letter to Rainbow Foods Customers

Hi, my name is Eric.

I'm here to buy a loaf of bread, some yogurt and a bag of apples. I see you have a cart. That is nice. Doing all of the shopping for the week? The kids no doubt need their sugar cereals and frozen pizzas. Gushers, nom nom nom. Chips galore, cookies, pop, Axe body spray, tatter tots, Brawny towels, etc. With those last few choices, its starting to look like a weird orgy/ potluck. The excitement of possible fornication and carb loading seems to left you with an inability to scan all of your items properly. Nope missed the laser again, try once more. There you go, only 50 more things to scan. Glad you chose to go to the self service line. Is it because you thought it would be faster then someone who works here doing it? Cause all the people in those lines will be gone by the time you start trying to put coupons in the machine. Is it to build up your independence? Did Coach McKowski tell you that you'd never amount to anything in gym class? You'll show him. "I scanned all my own groceries! Fuck you McKowski!" That's no way to make up for a lackluster breaststroke. Why are you wasting everyone's time? The self service is for 15 items or less. Maybe 20. Exceptions are made for competence and you seem to lack this. You can't put it back in your cart after scanning... Come on. Now the weight scale is off. Yep look around like a deer who wandered out of the woods into the express lane. Deers don't like Funyons, and neither will you. You are holding everything up, you should be Bambi-ed*. Finally you're done. Watch It takes me 90 seconds to scan and pay. That's what this aisle is for. Now I can leave. Sigh... Oh how lovely. Guess who's significant other has been idling in the middle of the parking aisle that whole time, blocking traffic, saving a good spot. Invest in Simon Delivers, and save yourself the perpetual sweating and putting on your best sweats.

Love,

Eric

*Bambi's mom was the one that got shot. If Bambi had been shot, it would have resembled a deer version of In The Bedroom. Marisa Tomei would make a hot doe, though. 

Thumper... an inside job?