American Idling 

What the fuck is wrong with people on American Idol?

I’m not too proud to say I watched it last week or that I laughed throughout most of it. But damn, why did your ass go on that show? You know damn well you can’t sing. That crackle in your voice is not a new note, that’s the sound of your dreams crumbling. I’m sorry to tell you but you can’t sing. Here is where I believe the problem is.

Theory 1: Your mother thinks that her baby can do anything that he or she puts their mind to.

Awwww. Guess what? My mommy told me that too, but even if I put my mind to singing, I would still suck ass at it. Are you looking for 15 minutes of fame? Cause I clocked you at about 1 minute, 30 seconds. Then these shitty ass acts are forcing perfectly good singers to resort to bullshit to get noticed. Come on Scooter Girl get off the Razor and sing a real fucking song.

Theory 2: American Idol is planting these acts.

I would like to think that the honorable medium of Reality TV is above acts such as these but it is all about ratings and topping what has come before. After two seasons of shitty ass acts, you start to run out of bad people, maybe its time to make up some bad acts with bad actors.

Speaking of bad acts, why the fuck is Ryan Seacrest so fucking popular. He’s a fucking tool shed. I hope there hurry up and put the show On Air on the air so they can cancel it. Your not funny, not that charismatic, and some of my female friends question what team you’re playing on. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Just don’t lead on the ladies. Simons out.

Dollar Dollar Bill Y'all

Who the fuck designed the new twenty dollar bill? Are you serious? This is the most ridiculous looking thing I have ever seen. “Oh, the colors children!” Are other countries supposed to take us seriously when they see this thing? Right now France is laughing. Even Saddam is chuckling in his cell. I mean did they have a contest to see who would design the new bill. If I knew that little 3rd grader Emily Procter of Boise, Idaho was going to fuck all of our country’s integrity by using more colors and giving it a few more incarnations of Jackson’s head, I would have entered the contest. And why? Because the other “uncounterfeitable” twenty got copied. Surprise, surprise. Who didn’t know that big headed piece of shit wasn’t going to get counterfeited. This is the new age of computers, fraud, and greed. Where there is a will, there is a way. And guess what this fucked up ass bill is going to get copied too. Then what? We need more heads, more vibrant colors. If you light it on fire, it will burn red white and blue. Pinch Jackson’s head and he will sing America the Beautiful. Find some other important shit to do Government, like getting us out of debt. Maybe the counterfeiters could help us pay that shit off. That’s all Simons has to say.

When Nature Calls

Has anyone else experienced the phenomenon that is frost on the inside of the car. No, well let me tell you about it. I’m in a hurry to get to a football workout and oh, there is frost on my windshield. Better go outside the car and scrape it. 5 minutes later the windows still look covered. What… the… fuck? Why is there frost on the inside of the car? Who gets frost on the inside of the window? I do, that’s who. Have you ever tried to scrape the inside of your car?  It’s impossible. The scraper won’t do anything but put two fucking lines down your windshield. Good luck looking through the windshield. It’s certainly not enough to drive my car safely. So with just minutes left before my workout, I find myself trying to drive Ace Ventura style with my head out the window in the fucking middle of fucking winter. Why? I didn’t realize my car’s interior was capable of the type of weather that can harbor frost. Apparently my car is like its own ecosystem. Let me ask you car, what is the wind chill today? The dew point is a bit high isn’t it car? There has been a bit of a drought, hasn’t there car? Looks like a storms a brewin’, better take shelter in the trunk. Well if anyone knows a good little weatherperson, I’m hiring. Maybe he will be able to tell me when a a frost is coming in my car, then hopefully I can make it to my workout on time. That’s all Simons has to say.