One Stop Flip

Where the fuck are cellphones headed? I went to go get my phone checked a few weeks ago and I couldn’t believe my eyes. First, it was the ability to take pictures, now they are putting video cameras in them. As if taking blurry pictures wasn’t enough, now you can take blurry moving shots. Yeah! How about making it so my phone works in the basement of my building? Or when I leave a city? It kind of defeats the purpose of having one for emergencies if I get out on the highway and ‘oh you’re out of service. I just wanted to call an ambulance. I’ll try again later if I’m still alive.” Is that so much to ask? What if I get in a car wreck?

"Your cell phone is out of service, you are fucked. We suggest you play a free game of Snake with your full color, high definition screen until you expire."

Death has never been so fun. At least the sound is clear. Oh wait, pretty sure my friend sounded like a fucking hiccupping robot last time I called him. Why not just make it so the cell phone is the only thing you need in life.

"The Nokia Omnipotent comes equip with palm pilot, pen, comb(or pick, for the brothers), deodorant, walkman, Swiss Army knife, male or female companionship(your choice), Polaroid camera, two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, sesame seed bun, mittens, cappuccino maker, a kite, Almond Joy (sometimes you feel like a nut), Mounds Bar(sometimes you don’t), Paris Hilton sex tape(sometimes you feel like a nut), cup holder, William Shatner, and a four door sedan. If you order it this month you will receive an indulgence from the Catholic Church, free of charge."