March Maddening 

Fucking NCAA tournament.

Why do you build me up, buttercup, baby, just to let me down? Every year I put tireless hours into picking the situations that will result in the best picks. Princeton, your school is a sham. If you guys are so fucking smart how come your offence doesn’t work anymore. Texas has some of the dumbest people alive on their team (or the oldest, Mouton’s got 4 years until Social Security kicks in) but yet your preference of the backdoor has not got you a lay (up) in years.

Then there’s all these fucking Alabama schools. Any school with a sign outside the arena that says “No Shoes, No Shirt, No Problem” doesn’t deserve to reach the Sweet Sixteen. And would someone fucking beat Duke. Deng it, Redick is a fucking tool shed that simply needs a punch in the gut. That’s all. This is why I think they win. 20 some years ago, the President of Duke decided to conjure up some spirits for a new mascot (the one they had then wasn’t very politically correct). Much to his surprise he not only received a Blue Devil (better than Dixiecrats Devil they had) but also the demon vampire that is Mike Krzyzewski. That’s right he’s pure evil. I dare you to look in his eyes, I dare you. Bobby Hurley looked him in the eyes once, see where his career went.

Then there is the selection of the teams. Illinois gets a 5 seed and Maryland gets a 4. Maryland wasn’t even going to make the tourney 3 weeks ago. And fuck the 65 teams, does anyone even watch the play in game. We don’t need a game played on Tuesday to confuse us as to the start of the actual tourney. They should call it the NCAA rape game, slip the winners some Spanish Fly and whisper to them the number 1 seed will be gentle on them.

Then there is the presentation on CBS. Bravo. The idea to do a ten second delay was a brilliant one. Every two minutes the TV scrambles up and it looks like I’m trying to watch the Playboy channel, except there’s no breasts and all balls. That doesn’t get me excited. I hope that CBS’s contract is up soon so the NCAA tourney can go where it belongs, ABC. It belongs there for two reasons.

1. If ABC owns it, there will be no watching of bullshit blowouts like Duke-Alabama St. while Alabama- Southern Illinois goes down to the wire, because they can put games on ABC, ESPN, and ESPN 2.

2. Dick Vitale. There is nothing sadder than watching Dickie V miss out on all the excitement.

I would follow Dickie V anywhere. Burger King: “Hey, give me a number 3, hold the tears baby. Onions make me cry. And I want it like me post players, super sized baby!” Weddings: “Ohhhh, what a luck bride baby. This guy has got more moves in bed then Jameer Nelson. When he shoots, he always hits the spot baby!” Or even funerals: Oh, when these guys put him in the basket, it silenced the crowd baby. I call it a librarian slam. Maybe if he had a better defense, he’d be pushing up the roof after a win instead of pushing up daisies baby.” Since my pool is essentially done, all that is left for my pride is Oklahoma St. (my only team left) pulling out the win. That’s Simons last prediction.

Blurry Eyed, Clear Mind

Here I sit. 3:40 am. Wide awake. I’m not tired in the least bit, but what am I supposed to do, I have 8 o’clock class. So I continue to attempt sleep but to no avail. If there is an affliction known as Sunday Night Insomnia Can’t Knockout or Even Rest Syndrome (SNICKERS) then I must have it. As delicious as that particular syndrome may sound, it surely sucks a great bit of ass. Every Sunday night since second semester has started I have found myself unable to fall asleep before 3:30 am. While I have always prided myself on being able to function on very little sleep, getting 4 hours in a night is just fucked up. I cannot pay attention to my Macroeconomics class on that little sleep. As I lie in my bed last night I calculated my opportunity cost to not sleeping as opposed to sleeping. The numbers are astonishing. Now it can’t possibly be that I am having trouble sleeping just because my love of Economic theory, there must be other factors. For one, it is hard to concentrate with the Three Tenors of Snoring I call my roommates. They are led by the showboating “Pavarotti”. Anyone lucky enough to share a room with him knows that there is not a note that this man has not hit, no sound he has not uttered. When combined with his supporting cast they make some weird music, music the likes of Simon Cowell would be at a loss for words for. Then there are those strange moments of calm; when I seem to be in the eye of a storm. When this happens you can hear the littlest of sounds. Doors opening and closing to the wind, cats meowing, the hum of my computer, and my floor mates engaging in sexual activity (after inter-visitation? FOR SHAME!). It harks back to the days when I watched Unsolved Mysteries. I could take any sound I heard and relate it to how the at-large murderer had made it from New Mexico to my home in Minnesota. Now as a grown-ass man I shouldn’t be afraid that someone from Santa Fe is going to break into my dorm room and murder me, just because I have SNICKERS. I know they are putting more nuts in each bar, but that’s no reason for a killing spree. I think I prefer Sweet Tarts to Spree, but a transcendental trip of murder and milk chocolate is uncalled for. Even if you calculated the opportunity cost of the trip, it’s just not right. What the hell am I talking about? I don’t even know anymore, I think I need to get some more sleep. Here I sit. 3:50am…

Roses are red. Violets are blue. Valentine’s Day sucks ass.

I don’t even feel like finishing that poem, that’s how I feel about Valentines Day. I mean seriously, is there a worst made up holiday around (well Canada Day is stupid, but who gives a fuck about Canada’s freedom, they’re just a wannabe America). Let’s look deeper into the problems of the day. There are basically two sides to the story.

The first side is the people who are in relationships. They feel compelled to buy buttloads of candy and flowers. Why is the heart the universal organ of love? Why not the liver or the kidneys? “I love you so much I’ll give you my right kidney. Then a part of me will be in you. Well…” I’m kinda tired of seeing people who are supposedly in love (or at least deep lust) moping over getting the teddy bear wearing fire shorts riding a pole or the one that is wearing lacy clothing. That’s just disturbing; seriously, it’s a damn stuffed animal. You can buy one at fucking Toys R’ Us for like 3 bucks, she’ll love it just the same. Then if another couple has something deemed “better” then suddenly a very worth gift looks obsolete in comparison. That’s sad, he or she put effort into their gift, don’t be so superficial.

That brings me to the other side of Valentine’s Day: the single person. Is there anything more depressing than seeing a bunch of your friends go off to do their romantic things, while here you sit on you ass, eating cheap heart shaped candy, pondering why it is you have no valentine? Those generic He-Man valentines you gave out in elementary school don’t count (besides, Skeletor would come down on you brown bag valentine holder real hard). It’s a sad state and no one deserves to be in that position.

Honestly, I believe Valentine’s Day is a mass conspiracy started by Big Business and Big Government. Back during the Great Depression, FDR needed something to stimulate the economy. Candy, cards, flowers, and various public works would be given to those you love. Soon alcohol weighted heavily into the equation. Nowadays alcohol sales have to be ridiculous on Valentine’s Day. Champagne and wine for the lovers, hard stuff for the losers. My friends and I surely put down a great deal of alcohol this past Valentine’s Day, but to no avail.

Now don’t get me wrong, love is a beautiful thing, but don’t let the calendar companies tell you when to tell that special one when to do something special. Ovary up and buy him/her something on a non-traditional holiday. To honor of Black History month, buy your black friend a ticket for the bus (tell’em to sit in the front, that’ll show’em). Buy you suburban white friend a new rap cd. Make some fried chicken. Dare to be different, love thy neighbor on a day other than Valentine’s Day, and say it loud…I’m black and I’m proud. Happy Black History Month.

One Stop Flip

Where the fuck are cellphones headed? I went to go get my phone checked a few weeks ago and I couldn’t believe my eyes. First, it was the ability to take pictures, now they are putting video cameras in them. As if taking blurry pictures wasn’t enough, now you can take blurry moving shots. Yeah! How about making it so my phone works in the basement of my building? Or when I leave a city? It kind of defeats the purpose of having one for emergencies if I get out on the highway and ‘oh you’re out of service. I just wanted to call an ambulance. I’ll try again later if I’m still alive.” Is that so much to ask? What if I get in a car wreck?

"Your cell phone is out of service, you are fucked. We suggest you play a free game of Snake with your full color, high definition screen until you expire."

Death has never been so fun. At least the sound is clear. Oh wait, pretty sure my friend sounded like a fucking hiccupping robot last time I called him. Why not just make it so the cell phone is the only thing you need in life.

"The Nokia Omnipotent comes equip with palm pilot, pen, comb(or pick, for the brothers), deodorant, walkman, Swiss Army knife, male or female companionship(your choice), Polaroid camera, two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, sesame seed bun, mittens, cappuccino maker, a kite, Almond Joy (sometimes you feel like a nut), Mounds Bar(sometimes you don’t), Paris Hilton sex tape(sometimes you feel like a nut), cup holder, William Shatner, and a four door sedan. If you order it this month you will receive an indulgence from the Catholic Church, free of charge."

Mrs. Jackson [Because] You're Nasty

You would think that with a titty finish, the show would be good. Oh no, it sucked ass once again. Good Job producing MTV, maybe if you worked on producing and distributing music, you could get the halftime show right. Then there was lazy ass Puff Daddy/Cream Puffy/P.Diddy/Sean Combs/Puff n’ Stuff. You lip-synced your whole set. Why? I can see Janet Jackson doing it, because she had a lot of dance choreography, but you didn’t even walk while on the stage. You rode a fucking conveyer belt like this is a fucking airport. Didn’t you just run a fucking marathon for charity? When you stop rapping I don’t think too many people “Will Be Missing You.” I can’t believe that the best part of the show was Kid Rock. He appeared to be the only one actually singing. Though I don’t know what was up with his fur coat/American flag vest. The Queer Eye for the Straight Guys guys would have a field day with that. Yeah I watch Queer Eye, grow up. They have good tips. Honestly. Simons isn’t going to take this. I’m out.

Did anyone else see Janet Jackson’s tit (singular) during the Super Bowl halftime show? Is this what our halftime shows have come to? I mean I enjoy a good breast as much the next man, but it seemed a bit out of place. Janet just finished talking about fighting against prejudice and domestic violence. Then she was all “no to bras”.

I don’t know about you, but I was frightened and confused by it. For minutes afterward I didn’t know if I had seen it right or if someone slipped something in my Gatorade. Is unveiling half a set of breasts the best way to keep the children positive? “Hey there Timmy, you know hitting your girlfriend is wrong. Good, since you’ve been so good I let you have a gander at Miss Jackson’s Titties.” (I capitalized titties because they were large and deserved a proper noun).

Rubbadubdub

Why can't any advertising groups make a decent commercial for Erectile Dysfunction? Seriously, I was trying to sit down to a nice game of football the other day and a commercial for Cialis comes on. The whole fucking commercial was a couple sitting in bathtubs (plural, each had their own tub) watching the sunset out on the lawn. "What if the neighbors see us!" What? Don't believe me go visit the site www.cialis.com. It is ridiculous. What the fuck do his and her bathtubs and a sunset have to do with not getting your soldier at attention? If they want to make a good commercial for ED then there should one shot of a disappointed wife, then a shot of the man going to the pharmacy, then finally a shot of the woman riding the man in one, count'em one bathtub. Shit, if they put that on network television I would get an erection right then.

Then you have the classic Viagra commercials. Have you seen the one where the guy goes to a party? Everyone notices something different about the guy.

"Hey Bob, you get a hair cut?"

"No"

"Hey Bob, you buy a new suit?"

"Nope"

"Hey Bob, there's something different about you. What's up?"

"Well, my penis is up, Mary. I sporting a new erection at your party"

I think that's how the commercial went. Then there is the commercial with Texas Rangers "star" Rafael Palmeiro. Trouble swinging the bat, huh? I think they need to find someone with a little more credibility to sell their little pill. I mean Palmeiro is a good player in all, but no one watches baseball anymore. Bob Dole wasn’t much better either. Not sure about you, but when I think of good, erection-based sex, Bob Dole doesn’t pop to mind. Someone who couldn't run the country shouldn't be allowed to run the bedroom. Or vise versa. Now, I'm all for helping out those with ED, but they've already suffered with their problem, don't make them suffer through a bad commercial too. Simons Says work harder. The advertisers that is.